Keep The Faith magazine - Britain's leading publication about Black faith

"I am an active member of my church, and have been for many years. I love God andexperience great fulfilment serving Him. Along with many of the other women in my church I am single, and although I would like a partner I am content. There are times, however,when I experience deep bouts of loneliness and longing for a partner. I am usually able toovercome these emotions, but two months ago I felt so bad I shared my feelings with mypastor. That was a big mistake.

Ever since then, he has been making suggestive comments tome, and making it quite clear that he would be willing to have a sexual relationship with me. I was happy at first to make a joke about his comments, because I didn’t think he was serious,but he has become more persistent, calling me frequently, and using every opportunity atchurch to get me alone to talk to me. He even came round to my home, but I pretended thatI was not in. I admit I am lonely, but not lonely enough to embark on a relationship with amarried pastor! What is the best way to deal with this situation? Should I leave the church,talk to the church elders, or just pray that it goes away?"
Name withheld

Esther Fenty replies

From your description of your pastor’s behaviour towards you, it appears as if he is a wolf insheep’s clothing and needs to be exposed. It does not seem as if the pastor believes in or livesby what he preaches regarding sexual immorality or the sanctity of marriage. He seems towant you to compromise your Christian principles and live by his standards.

It would be easy to leave the church quietly. However, you may solve one problem, ie. youwould not have to put up with your pastor’s advances any longer. This may give you peaceof mind, but you will leave the pastor to prey on other single women, who may not be asstrong as you. It may be necessary to leave the church, because the pastor may well deny anyallegations you make and your position there may become untenable. However, you shouldnot leave without complaining.
There must be some kind of complaints procedure within your church organisation thatyou can follow. Whilst I recognise that this is more difficult to put into practice whenthe complaint is about a leader, you can find out what the procedure is and the processesinvolved. If your church is part of a larger organisation, then there will be an overall leaderand executive board, who can deal with these matters. If your church is independent, thechurch elders will be the people to whom you should take these complaints.

Sexual impropriety against a pastor is difficult to prove, as it is your word against his. Evenif your case is not proven, you will have registered a complaint against the pastor, which willbe on record. This will be taken into account in case there are other incidents. Who knowswhether yours is the first, or whether it will add to further evidence about your pastor’sbehaviour?
When you register your complaint, you need to ask for written confirmation of any
investigation and the results. In that way, you will know not only whether the church eldershave taken your complaint seriously, but you will also have a written record for the future.

Prepare yourself for what may be a difficult time, through prayer and dependence on the HolySpirit. Surround yourself with friends and prayer partners who can support you through thistime. The problem will not go away by itself. You will need to pray and act!