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Sex is very important to me and my husband.   We have been married for 12 years, and are still deeply in love and still feel crazy about each other.  It’s like we’ve just met.

We enjoy each other’s bodies without shame or inhibition, and do things which give us pleasure, including oral sex. We are considering spicing up our marriage with sex toys as we want to keep our sex life exciting, and we believe that sex is a gift from God and an expression of love.  I do have a question to ask you, though. If we incorporate sex toys into our love life, do you think we are going too far and defiling sex in the eyes of our Lord? My husband said to ask my friends at work and I’ve asked them, and they’ve told me that they all use sex toys, but they are not Christians.  I would like to ask my pastor, but I’m  too embarrassed to do so, and if I ask my church sisters, they might be shocked and start to disrespect me and my husband.   As I can’t ask my fellow Christians, I thought I’d ask you, as you give good advice and I know that you are a Christian.  Ngozi, London

Esther Fenty replies

Despite your premise that you believe sex is a gift from God and an expression of love, I am wondering whether you consider sex to be an end in itself.  I am intrigued that you say that you are still deeply in love and enjoy your sex life, but that you are considering ‘spicing up your marriage’ through the use of sex toys.  Whilst I cannot give you any Biblical reference that condemns oral sex or the use of sex toys, I can point out some principles for your consideration.

Our concept of sex is determined by the view that we have of humanity. The world’s idea of humans as being biological animals means that there is an assumption that we are driven by desires (sex being one of these) which need to be satisfied. Love is therefore equated with sexual desire, which is a fleshly desire.  The problem with fleshly desires is that we are never fully satisfied.  In this consumer society, where sex is treated like a commodity, society helps to increase our desires, and then bombards us with images and goods to help us satisfy our appetites. There are even sexual innuendos in adverts to buy a cup of tea! Sexually, people want to have more sexual pleasure so they try oral sex, sex toys, partner swapping, pornography… and we ask ourselves where it will end.

That does not mean that sexual desire in itself is wrong, as it is a God-given desire. However, sex for the Christian, who accepts the Biblical view of being made in the image of God, is both physical and spiritual; it is an expression of body, soul and mind.  The Songs of Solomon describes the physical bodies of married lovers, and gives techniques for sexual arousal. There is nothing wrong in exploring bodies, etc.  The desire for sex toys, etc, could be symptomatic of a restless heart and therefore a desire for fleshly things. This, in turn, affects our bodies (the temple of the Holy Spirit); impacts on our minds (emotions and thoughts); affects our spirit, and leads to separation from God.

You also need to consider the medical research. Oral sex can lead to certain medical conditions, especially if the mouth is not washed properly.  Sex toys can lead to diseases if they are not cleaned properly.  The choice is yours.