My wife’s unsupportive and I’m falling for minister on my leadership team

I’ve got a major problem that I’m too embarrassed about to share with my leadership team or mentor. I pastor a church. I love what I do, but my wife has never been particularly supportive of my ministry, as it was something she got thrust into, as we became Christians after our marriage. It would help me greatly if she supported me, but seeing as she doesn’t, I’ve just got on with what God has called me to do.  Recently, however, a dynamic minister has joined the leadership team. The more I see her and hear her minister, the more I feel attracted towards her. We speak quite a lot, and she’s very encouraging of my pastorate – everything my wife is not. I know it isn’t right to be developing these kinds of feelings for a woman who is not my wife, and I don’t want to act on them, although I’m sure this woman has no idea of how I feel. I’d really welcome any advice you can give in helping me deal with this situation. I don’t want to fall into temptation and bring shame on my God or bring myself into disrepute.

Name withheld

Esther Fenty replies

I have shared with my friends in ministry that I ask a particular question every time I attend an ordination service or appointment of a leader, where the wife is encouraged to support her husband in the ministry: Who supports the wife? Furthermore, it appears that there is little preparation for the wives in taking up their new roles, where there is no written manual, but everyone has an opinion and different expectations. Yet, more often than not, the ministers have theological training/preparation classes according to denominational requirements.

Many ministers’ wives are just left to ‘get on with it’, and are criticised for merely existing. If he does well, he’s a fine man, but if he does wrong, ‘It’s her fault’. If the church is supportive, she fares better, but she needs to know that she can find solace in the arms of her man when she is accused, convicted and condemned.

It is possible that she is struggling with the role of the minister’s wife. It is sometimes difficult for a woman to cope with this role after marrying a quiet, unassuming Christian man, who is then unexpectedly propelled into a position of leadership. How much more difficult is it for those who become Christians after marriage, and find themselves in this position!

On the one hand, your wife may not want to stand in God’s way, as she recognises that God has called her husband into ministry. At the same time, the demands of the ministry can lead to stress.

Discuss with your wife how you can support each other. Perhaps she feels that she is being supportive by creating a home environment, where you, as a minister, can feel comfortable and relaxed. Maybe she is unaware that you are looking for support in different ways. You won’t know how she is feeling until you open the channels of communication.

Focus on deepening your relationship with your wife, rather than fostering one with the dynamic minister. Consider everything that she is, rather than what she is not. Love and cherish her in the way that Christ loves the Church, and you will reap dividends in love and support. Plan special times where you can be together; surprise her with treats; rekindle the flame, and you will find less time to think about the dynamic preacher. Remember that ministering to your wife is just as important as your other ministries. Be that special leader who takes his wife along with him on his spiritual journey.

2 thoughts on “My wife’s unsupportive and I’m falling for minister on my leadership team

  • 29th March 2018 at 3:19 pm

    Hello Sir.
    I’ve seen this happen to a Pastor friend and I have advice:

    Gather the courage and confess to your wife that you’ve had these feelings stir up towards this dynamic minister, and ask your wife to keep you accountable.
    Ask your wife for advice, not an anonymous message board. If you must seek third party counseling, do so together. If you try to manage this issue alone, the enemy will attack you in isolation. His goal is to strip you of your pastorship and eventually kill you. Give the devil no advantage in that goal.

    Tell. Your. WIFE!
    Right now!!! Even if you feel you are over it, and the “feeling has passed”. Build up your guard against the devil with the partner God GAVE YOU.

  • 27th February 2021 at 11:34 pm

    It is not wrong to share this on a broad page because in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. It is a sound advise the first writer gave. Infact this particular problem is a million killing Christian marriages, as the first writer put ministering to your wife is as ministration God’s work, see like the scriptures says, bring your as equal heirship in the grace, wash her with the WORD and present her blameless before the throne of God.

    One interesting thing I’ve noticed is that with God’s calling on the man’s life, many many don’t know how to take time off and share quite intimate moments with their wives whom God was a WITNESS as it says in the book of Malachi 3. Again there seems to be no inclusion of the woman and again as the first writer puts it, if you don’t have a discussion with your wife to see how to support her, devil always win in most of the Christian marriages where he’s supposed to be the loser.

    In the bible it rather calls for the man as the head to do everything possible to cover the wife’ fault and encourage her with the word until she stands strong, but most of the time devil has blinded the mind of most men and quickly they are looking for a substitute.

    Many great men of God do not know how take a week sabbatical with their wife which they do not know that how they love the woman counts toward their reward in God. I always say, God will one day at the judgment seat call to many men like He did to Adam,…’Adam, Adam


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