Matters of the heart

Ministry leader and pastor Yvonne Brooks provides wise, compassionate and insightful advice to readers experiencing problematic life issues

I don’t want to stop preaching to become a stay-at-home wife.
My husband and I met when we were youth leaders within our respective congregations. Prior to marriage, we agreed I would work and serve in church when the children came. After 10 years of marriage, we now have three children aged eight, six and five; my husband has excelled in his career – with salary to match – and wants me to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. His theological position has changed, and he doesn’t believe women should preach or teach at all. He has said I must now decline any speaking engagements I receive. In the meantime, my husband has become a church elder and regularly preaches and teaches. I am getting very resentful and feel constricted and controlled by my husband. I don’t want to be a stay-at-home wife, and I feel my husband is stopping me from pursuing the preaching and teaching ministry God has called me to. My husband has not kept to the agreement we made before marriage. I’m so disappointed and deeply unhappy but unsure how to resolve this issue.
Jennifer, Scotland

Pastor Yvonne: Unfortunately, there is no systematic training to help individuals develop the correct approach/mindset for life and marriage, and we underestimate the need for negotiation at the start. As women, loving and accepting ourselves is not emphasised, nor is the need to be the kind of person we want to attract. Women are not required by God to accept a subservient role.

Biblically, a husband is designed to be the foundation of the family, providing stability, security, and ensuring family members are happy and fulfilled. A wife is a complement and completer in the relationship, bringing definition to everything they strive to do as a couple. Marriage is a partnership and is designed to be mutually beneficial. Choices and decisions should be by discussion and agreement. Let your husband know that you would like to speak with him. Organise to go out or wait till the children are in bed and have a heart to heart about what concerns you. Set an agenda, in order of priority. Stay calm and be as clear as you are able about your hopes and aspirations. If that fails, ask for both of you to meet with your pastor to discuss the matter.

Personally, begin to look at yourself as a child of God and decide what you really want out of your life. Don’t just go along with the expectations others have for you but seek the reason you are here and the purpose for which you are on this earth. God honours marriage, but He does not condone abuse.

A teenager has disclosed she’s being abused by a church elder. How should I respond?
I really need your help. I am a youth leader at my church. I am just 19, but the church leadership team have seen my love for young people and made me a youth leader of the 11-16 year olds. I love what I do and I have a really good rapport with the young people. The relationship I have with them is so good, one of them told me that her uncle, who’s part of the church leadership team, has been abusing her for the past two years. How should I respond?
James, London

Pastor Yvonne: Congratulations on being appointed as a youth leader, and thank you for asking for my advice. This is an important and sensitive situation. When a child or adult confides in you, believe what they tell you. Your next step is to speak to the child protection officer of your church, who should then discuss the matter with the leadership of the church and make a referral to Children’s Services, regardless of whether the uncle is a part of the church or not. Check that a referral has been made, and if not, you will need to make the referral yourself. Children’s Services will carry out the required investigations and you will have fulfilled your duty of care.

Pastor Yvonne Brooks is a co-pastor at New Jerusalem Community Church, Birmingham, and founder of Woman of Purpose, a ministry that encourages women to fulfil their purpose. She is also a speaker and author. Visit www.yvonneelizabethbrooks.co.uk