Modern Parenting – Stepping into New Territory

Shirley Anstis writes that, despite our individual experiences and collective Black history, parenting should be child-focused, supportive, and solution-oriented

With shifts in society and technology, parenting has become a very different challenge than it was previously. Today’s parents may not have a village to support them, yet their children are being affected by the many national and global trends – online villages. Children can’t watch or listen to anything without being marketed to. Strangers are constantly telling them what they need or should want.

This may be very different from your childhood – and is certainly different from mine. If you’re a parent who hasn’t worked through your own past experiences and how these have shaped you, I encourage a time of self-reflection. Try to remember that you’re parenting the child you have, not the child you were. Personally, I know this may be very difficult, but it is the only way to look after everyone’s mental health.

On the one hand, children force us to mature in places we have avoided and, on the other, they can bring unanticipated joy into our lives.

The same experience can impact us in very different ways. Siblings experience parents differently, and parents develop different relationships with their children.

The circumstances of our birth affect how we feel about ourselves and it is important to acknowledge this before passing it on to our own children. Were you a nice surprise, longed for, prayed for, or left behind? Did your birth lead to your parents committing to stay together or deciding to separate? Which, if any of these, do you believe about yourself, and how might they be affecting your parenting?

Like many Black British people, I exist within a broader diaspora that includes the Caribbean, Africa, the United States, Canada and more. Our history of freedom, enslavement, displacement, migration and separation affect us all differently. Racism continues to cause friction in the task of finding or creating a safe place to raise a family. Parents who feel safe and happy can provide a space for their children to thrive. Parents who feel unsafe and isolated, however, will find the task much more difficult.

How do we encourage our kids to discover and be themselves? How quickly do we expect them to fit in and when can they simply find a space where they belong? How do we educate them about racism and not make them overly fearful, despondent or angry, so they can still aspire to a happy and healthy adulthood?

What is our world view that we pass on to our kids?  

So many of us feel we need to get every decision ‘right’. It’s only recently I’ve embraced the idea that the quicker one fails, the faster one learns. What a thought! Do we encourage our kids to do their best and learn from the outcome?

Many of us know that comparing ourselves to others is not the route to happiness, yet we sometimes do that with our children.

How much do we blame ourselves if they are not neuro typical, or if they have mental health challenges? It’s important not to make it about us as parents, but to get them the advice and support they need.

Depending on your faith, prayer has a role to play here. Faith groups can help to provide community for families of all descriptions, so create your own village with people who can support you or your child.

Make use of the many parenting books written by experts and make small adjustments to see what works with your child. The challenge is that as they grow, you will need to keep adapting. Regardless of your efforts, know that parenting will still be a rollercoaster, so find a way to live with that. Have compassion on yourself for all that you have done and continue to do.

Work on your personal development to lower stress and improve resilience so you can better support your child. Develop skills like mindfulness to help you remain present, and simplify your life so there is room for their chaos, especially if they are going through adolescence!

Having therapy or other support could help. Seek therapeutic help for children who are struggling, because denial only perpetuates suffering, which may get worse as time progresses.

Modern parenting isn’t easy, even though it may appear that way to some!

SHIRLEY ANSTIS MA BSc MBACP

Helps women of faith to navigate life’s transitions with authencity and ease

shirley@envisioncounselling.co.uk