Toxic Relationships: Science, Symptoms and Solutions

Dr T Ayodele Ajayi provides some insights about toxic relationships and how to manage them

On one hand, my theme for this spring edition feels timely, as February is often celebrated as the month of love and romance with Valentine’s Day. On the other, some might question, “Why focus on toxic relationships, then?” They might even argue that such issues don’t exist within the Church. Oh really? While the Church is meant to be a sanctuary for the vulnerable, it’s also true that abuse and toxic relationships occur more often than we’d like to admit. Toxic relationships can be found everywhere ­– from the crèche to the playground, boardroom, bedroom, family room, and office.

What Are Toxic Relationships?

Toxic relationships persist because of their subtle and insidious nature. In some cases, the offender is intentional and skilled at manipulation. Any relationship characterised by constant conflict, competition, control and coercion is toxic. The bottom line is that toxic relationships deplete rather than enhance your well-being – spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally, financially or intellectually. Such relationships make you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, attacked or simply drained.

Hendrick’s Relationship Assessment Scale (1988), initially designed for couples but adaptable to other relationships, can be an eye-opener in evaluating the health of your connections.

Perpetrators of toxic relationships often use strategies such as:

• Gaslighting: Making the other person question their feelings, instincts and sanity
• Overt bullying: Using intimidation and aggression
• Love-bombing: Overwhelming a new partner with excessive affection
• Fear and guilt-tripping: Instilling fear or guilt to manipulate behaviour

12 Red Flags

How can you tell if you are in or contributing to a toxic relationship? Watch out for these 12 red flags:

1. Lack of holistic support
2. Presence of toxic emotions: Anger, bitterness, jealousy, envy or resentment
3. Controlling behaviour: Emotional or financial manipulation
4. Habitual blaming and criticism: Constantly putting the other person down
5. Disrespect for values: Ignoring or undermining what matters to you
6. Violence and aggression: Physical or emotional harm
7. Dishonesty and concealment: Hiding important truths or lying
8. Isolation: Cutting the person off from others to prevent intervention
9. Walking on eggshells: Constant fear of triggering anger or conflict
10. Self-neglect: Sacrificing your needs to maintain the relationship
11. Unremitting stress: A persistent state of tension and anxiety
12. Toxic communication styles: Sarcasm, criticism or backhanded remarks

The Harm of Toxicity

Toxic relationships are as damaging as they sound. Studies reveal significant health risks are associated with negative interactions, including hostility and anger. A longitudinal study of over 9,000 British civil servants found that individuals reporting high levels of negative interactions in their closest relationships were 34% more likely to suffer from serious heart problems over a 13- to 15-year period. Other harmful effects include:

• Diminished overall well-being
• Suppressed immunity
• Increased risk of mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety
• Worsening of unhealthy habits and indices like obesity, substance misuse or alcohol abuse

Solutions

When addressing toxic relationships, there are no quick fixes or one-size-fits-all answers. However, these four options can guide your decision-making:

1. Stay and repair: Work on the relationship with mutual acknowledgement and commitment to change.
2. Secure boundaries: Clearly define limits to protect your well-being.
3. Separate temporarily: Take time apart to evaluate next steps.
4. Sever ties: End the relationship if the other options prove unviable.

Ask yourself: Is the other person aware of the issue? Do they acknowledge their role? Are they taking responsibility and seeking change through anger management, counselling or therapy? Are they willing to be accountable to others?

Boundary-Setting

Boundaries are essential for restoring health in relationships. They define limits to ensure safety, preserve energy, and maintain self-advocacy. Boundaries can apply to physical, emotional, sexual, work, financial or digital interactions. A lack of boundaries increases vulnerability to exploitation and toxicity.

Boundary-setting involves:

1. Clarity: Clearly state what behaviours are unacceptable.
2. Communication: Express expectations and consequences for boundary violations.
3. Consistency: Enforce the boundaries consistently.
4. Check-ins: Periodically review the situation and make adjustments as necessary.

Recovery

Healing from toxic relationships takes intentional effort. Consider these steps:

• Confide: Share your decision with a trusted individual.
• Seek support: Enlist help in ending the relationship.
• Appraise the damage: Assess your losses and their impact.
• Prioritise healing: Engage in self-care and restoration.
• Detox your thinking: Replace harmful thoughts with affirmations from Scripture (such as Psalm 139:14, Philippians 2:13).
• Allow time: Give yourself grace to recover fully.

Toxic relationships can cause significant harm, but recovery is possible with God’s grace and your intentionality. Let us be vigilant and proactive in fostering healthy, Christ-centred relationships in every aspect of life.

DR T AYODELE AJAYI MBChB FRCPsych
Consultant psychiatrist, founder and convenor of The Tripart Care Emotional Wellbeing Hub