Love and marriage 51 years on
Dr Joe Aldred and his wife Novelette share what they’ve learnt about love, marriage and life after 51 years of marriage
Novelette and I describe our life together as a combination of the blessing of divine providence – and hard work.
Love
Behind a popular meaning of love as ‘deep affection’ lies so much more. Christian theology of love as agapé signifies selfless, unconditional and sacrificial giving, exemplified by the life and death of Jesus, showing God’s love for humanity. We have found love to be near undefinable, yet deeply real. We hadn’t even begun to understand the meaning of the word when we got married, we just knew it was the right thing for us to do.
We met in church in London. Spotting a beautiful young lady, wearing a fetching blue and white hat, in the congregation, I (Joe) made enquiries resulting in a first meeting after the service. “You’re so ravingly ugly, you’d break a camera,” was my first utterance – an attempt at reverse psychology. It was interpreted as criminal rudeness, and I (Novelette) have still not forgiven him. The strategy worked, though, and telephone numbers were exchanged before I (Joe) returned to Birmingham. For me (Joe), this was love at first sight – for Novelette, not quite so. Our long-distance relationship developed through telephone conversations, meetings at church conventions, and my (Joe’s) occasional trips to London. After a year or so of courtship, when I (Novelette) was asked about a date for getting married, the only one I thought of was my birthday, which, in 1974, just happened to be a Saturday.
Our wedding was simultaneously sublime and ridiculous. I (Novelette) was 19 on the day – so birthday and wedding anniversary coincide every year. Woe betide Joe if he ever forgets! We both worked, yet we had not yet saved up sufficient funds for a wedding, setting up home, and living the kind of life we hoped for. Both our pastors had encouraged us to wait! But we were focused on getting married and living happily ever after. On our honeymoon in Paris, we walked everywhere – we had so little money.
We have now come to the stark conclusion that love is not enough. Deep affection has to be accompanied by commitment, good communication, romance, friendship, fun, individual and dual agency, and self-determination leading to a growing together spiritually and intellectually. Keeping the profound yet fragile flame of love alight has required spending quality and quantity time together, such as weekends away and longer holidays. Cultivating, nurturing and protecting love has enabled us to face life’s challenges together in sickness and health, in times of little and of much.
Relationships
We are an unlikely pairing. Novelette was born in Mocho, Clarendon, Jamaica, and travelled to London, England aged seven to join her mother. Joe was born in Top Mountain, St Catherine, Jamaica, and aged 15 years old travelled to Smethwick, West Midlands, England to join his parents. Both from working class backgrounds, I (Novelette), a love child, grew up without her father, and mainly with her grand aunt. I (Joe) grew up mainly with his mother, his father having emigrated to England for economic reasons. Having a shared experience of father-deficit led to an interesting pursuit of security for us and our children. Inevitably, there are times of mutual doubt and suspicion, and I (Novelette) will forever remember reaching a vulnerable relational fork in the road, and Joe’s words that changed her married life forever were: “Nov, I am not your enemy.”
Three years after marriage, our first child arrived, two others followed. Making physical, psychological and spiritual room for our growing family became a wonderful life process. For a period, we created a ‘church’ in our house: our daughters were pastor, deacon and evangelist, and we the parents were members of the congregation! As grandchildren came, six in all (one stillbirth) and one adopted, we have doted on them as Grandma and Grandad. I (Joe) have been especially proud of instituting with the grandchildren what they named ‘Grandad Day’, as once a month they and I go out for a meal and sometimes games.
During our marriage, we have hosted many families, friends and acquaintances of mixed ethnicities, faith and social backgrounds – many of whom remain connected, as demonstrated at my (Novelette’s) 70th birthday. Beside our children, grandchildren, extended family and our wider circle, we have a small group, known as the ‘Fab Six’ – that’s us and two other couples – who meet periodically. Each time we put the world to rights. We still wonder why so little has changed!
Faith
We are Christians in the Pentecostal and Evangelical traditions. For us, faith is not a crutch to lean on; rather, it’s an undergirding belief in an almighty God, upon which we work toward the things we desire. Our faith encourages us to enrich our marriage, by prayer and by acting decisively together in faith. We have learned that talking to God and to each other leads to consensus, and sometimes gives the other the freedom to decide alone, as appropriate.
In sickness and health
When we exchanged vows at the altar, those many years ago, we were not to know the true and costly meaning of ‘in sickness and in health, till death do us part’. Experiences of miscarriages, healthy births of our three daughters, a life-transforming major hip operation that left Novelette needing first a wheelchair, two crutches, and a stick over 18 months of recuperation, have been unwelcome yet life-affirming challenges along our journey.
Nothing, however, forewarned us of Novelette’s cancer diagnosis in 2024! Having been scrupulous about eating healthily, exercising, regular health screening checks for both of us, this cancer diagnosis after a biopsy came as a huge hit – just as we were preparing to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary with family and friends in Morocco.
Once the dust had settled on the words of the oncologist on that fateful morning, we faced the future as we have done throughout – together. Knowing that God is ever with us, even as in the words of the psalmist, we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we prepared to follow the prescribed treatment pathway recommended by the NHS cancer specialists, plus support from ancillary services, like Macmillan.
Joe’s promise to Novelette from the get-go was simple: “I will be locked in step with you every inch of this journey.” We have attended every appointment together for over more than a year of chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment and are pleased to report that this has been successful. Novelette is now able to begin to return to normalcy. We don’t know what the future holds for us, but we are persuaded that God, in whom we live and have our being, our wonderful family, and a vast community of friends from all walks of life, are with us as we continue to live confidently into the future on purpose.
Close
Now in our senior years, we have accumulated much: children and grandchildren; degrees, including diplomas, masters, a PhD; both of us are reverends; a home; and careers in chaplaincy, pastorates, counselling and psychotherapy; broadcasting, writing and ecumenism. One of our most poignant moments was the morning the postman delivered Novelette’s MSc degree and Joe’s PhD certificates together. What a happy coincidence! Our determination to stay together is blessed by God in ways we could never design. Today, we feel assured that God, in whom we have built our lives together, is ever present and has empowered us to make our marriage a successful one.
Thanks be to God, our family and friends. Joe Aldred MMTh, PhD Theology & Novelette Aldred Dip Counselling, Dip Chaplaincy, MSc., were married by Novelette’s pastor, Bishop L R Graham, at the Church of God of Prophecy, Tubbs Road, London, on 10th August 1974.
