Stepfamilies, the Church and the journey of becoming truly blended

Esther Kuku writes about the beauty and challenges of being part of a stepfamily

No one dreams of being a stepparent, but, through reimagined dreams and repackaged plans, a new world awaits. I am grateful for the unique family God has entrusted to me.

One in three families in the UK is a stepfamily, so it’s important for the Church to grow in its understanding of stepfamily dynamics. Blended families should not feel ‘othered’, or less than the traditional family model.

A death, divorce or failed relationship will be the backdrop of a newly formed family. The restoring and redeeming hand of God will have come into play. It is not easy to pick yourself up and start again; it takes immense courage. It also takes courage and faith for the person who hasn’t experienced that level of loss to unite their heart with someone who is bringing a deep level of history – as well as children from a previous union – into the relationship.

The newly merged family will be lugging pain and a string of other negative emotions that wouldn’t be present in a first marriage. Stepfamilies are hard, initially, for all these reasons. It does get better. I know, as I have been on the journey for 13 years now.

I think about the lives God has allowed me to quietly influence. I see my stepchildren flourishing in life and growing into beautiful adults with their own dreams and desires.

If you’re in a stepfamily and reading this, know that you have been chosen for the family you are in. God has called you for such a time as this. Esther had been prepared physically to become queen; however, God had also prepared her to the point that He could trust her to ensure the deliverance of His people.

‘“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”’ (Esther 4:14).

One of the key things we need to know when we are following the purposes of God is when to exert influence. You will have many times to do this within your family; Esther strategically prepared herself through fasting and prayer. With wisdom and humility, she approached the King and found favour in his eyes. You will experience peace and favour in your home.

There will be a turning point in your marriage. One day you will wake up, and you will no longer be operating from a place of pain or uncertainty. Doors of opportunity for peace and a deeper relationship with your new family will emerge, because of the seeds of prayer and patience you’ve sown. It might even be now, as you are reading this. God has been preparing you to be a stepparent through every mountain and valley you have overcome to this point. He is calling you out of feelings of inadequacy. It’s time to arise and take your place. He has anointed you to heal and, through you, He will deliver and make everything beautiful in His time.

Stepfamilies are great examples of God’s grace. Remember, God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies those who are called.

‘But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things that are mighty; and the lowly things and the things that are despised, and the things that are not, to nullify the things that are so no one may boast before Him’ (1 Corinthians 1:27).

Through the resurrection power that characterises your marriage and home, God is making you broken bread and poured-out wine; you will feed and nourish others. A good marriage is never perfect; at its core are two people who refuse to give up.

How churches can help stepfamilies

• Use stepfamily language. If the leadership includes stepfamilies in their messages or teachings, it will become safer for others to do so. For example, on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, include stepparents in the celebration.
• Use illustrations of stepfamilies in the congregation when promoting a ministry, mission trip or seminar. This lets other stepfamilies in the congregation know they aren’t the only ones.
• Have a specific counselling session for those getting married who already have children. Use Bible-based stepfamily resources to help the couple to learn about the unique dynamics associated with formation of a stepfamily. Address the common challenges they may face before the wedding.
• Specific divorce recovery counselling for the divorced person remarrying. Many people sincerely think they have healed and forgiven their former spouse, but they haven’t.

Esther Kuku

Author of Stepping Up: A  Devotional for Stepfamilies, a resource for churches and stepfamilies. It can be pre-ordered on Amazon.