Fearfully and wonderfully made: Raising neurodivergent children

Chioma Fanawopo shares much-needed insight on how to raise neurodivergent children, so they fulfil their potential and are set on a path to achieve success

The shocking news surrounding Professor Jason Arday, one of Britain’s youngest professors – and the way his story was portrayed in the British press – was deeply upsetting. I was lost for words!

I attended Jason’s vigil in Trafalgar Square, where more than 10,000 people gathered. Standing among thousands of people was incredibly moving. It reminded me that behind every headline is a human being, whose life, contribution and story deserve dignity and respect.

Jason was neurodivergent. Yet his life reminds us that neurodivergence does not diminish a person’s intelligence, gifts, wisdom or contribution to society.

My son is neurodivergent. I did not recognise his neurodivergence until he was 14. Like many parents, I was learning as I went, trying to understand how he processed the world and what support he needed.

Today, he is 21 and has achieved a first-class degree in software engineering. His journey has taught me something powerful: never allow a label to become a ceiling over a child’s potential.

At 14, I was learning to understand my son. At 21, I am watching him step into adulthood with skills, knowledge and possibilities that I could not have fully imagined. That is why the conversation about neurodivergent children matters so much to me.

Fearfully and wonderfully made

Psalm 139:14 says: ‘I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’ What would happen if we truly believed this about every child? What if we looked beyond the diagnosis, the behaviour, the educational difficulties or the things a child may struggle with and, instead, asked: What gifts has God placed inside this child?

Every neurodivergent child is different, with their own strengths, needs, personality, interests and experiences. 

Some children may need significant support. Others may have needs that are less visible. Some may excel academically but struggle socially or emotionally. Others may demonstrate exceptional creativity, problem-solving abilities or particular areas of interest.

Our responsibility is not to make every child fit the same mould. It is to understand them and help them flourish.

See the child, not just the challenge

As parents, educators and communities, we must learn to look beyond behaviour.

Sometimes, what we interpret as defiance, laziness, withdrawal or poor communication may actually be a child communicating that they are overwhelmed, anxious or struggling to process something. So, instead of asking: “What’s wrong with this child?”, perhaps we should ask: “What does this child need?”

Parents should not be afraid to seek help. Speak to teachers, SENCOs and appropriate professionals. Learn about neurodivergence. Ask questions. Advocate for your child.

Build their self-esteem

Children who are different can sometimes grow up hearing a constant list of what they cannot do. We need to deliberately help them discover what they can do. Celebrate their strengths. Encourage their interests. Give them opportunities to succeed. Help them develop independence. Teach them that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. And remind them that their diagnosis is not their identity. They are so much more. Proverbs 22:6 reminds us: ‘Start children off on the way they should go…’

CALM parenting creates connection

In my Amazon bestselling book, Parenting as Leadership: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Raising Confident, Connected Children, I share my CALM framework:

Connect: Build a relationship where your child feels safe, seen and valued.

Acknowledge: Recognise their emotions, experiences, strengths and challenges.

Listen: Listen to understand rather than immediately correcting or judging.

Manage: Help your child develop practical ways to manage emotions and challenges, while learning to manage our own responses as parents.

CALM is not about perfect parenting. It is about creating connection before correction.

What kind of world are we creating?

Jason Arday’s story has made me think deeply about the messages we send children about difference. We cannot tell children they are fearfully and wonderfully made on Sunday and then allow society to treat difference as something shameful the rest of the week.

We need schools that recognise different ways of learning; workplaces that value different perspectives; media that treats people with dignity; and communities that challenge stigma.

Genesis 1:27 tells us that humanity was created ‘in the image of God’. That means our starting point should always be dignity.

Image-bearer

That is what our children are. If you are raising a neurodivergent child, learn, seek support, advocate, build their confidence and celebrate their strengths. And, above all, remind them: You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are not a mistake. You are not your diagnosis. You are not defined by what you find difficult.

You were created in the image of God, with gifts, wisdom, purpose and potential.

Our job as parents is not to decide how far our children can go. Sometimes, our job is simply to make sure they know they can go further than they ever imagined.

CHIOMA FANAWOPO
Certified, award-winning parent and teen coach, author, and mother of two children. Follow on Instagram @chioma.fanawopo