Like father, like son

Church leader Rev Dr Garrick Wilson shares why boys need fatherly mentoring and on the role male mentors can play in the lives of boys raised by a lone female parent

Are fathers indispensable? What do they contribute to the development of their sons that mothers cannot do by themselves?

I was raised by a single mother, and she would often say: “I am your mother and your father” – a view shared by many single mothers who carry sole parental responsibility.

Despite my mother’s best efforts, I disagreed that she was an adequate fatherly substitute. I have corresponded with other men who were raised solely by their mother, and they share my experience. However, to balance the equation, I must highlight that I have also spoken to men who believe that their mum occupied both roles successfully.

How do we reconcile these two conflicting views?

There is a growing body of scientific evidence showing the importance of a father in the development of his child. Notably, when a man becomes a father, his testosterone levels drop and, if he remains in contact with his child, they do not return to pre-birth levels.

This drop impacts his brain activity, which is now primed to protect, teach and care for his child. Regular contact is the bedrock for attachment; a mother’s attachment is usually a nurturing one, to make the child feel safe. A father’s attachment also nurtures, in addition to helping the child look beyond the family and to face the world with survival skills.

Globally, there is compelling data to show that sons raised without a father are more likely to drop out of school, be imprisoned, become teenage parents, have behavioural problems, run away from home, struggle to build lasting relationships, and be more prone to depression.

Role modelling what it means to be a man

The ideal role model for a young man would be their biological father; however, this is often not the case. Research shows that father figures can come in many forms – uncle, brother, friend, teacher, etc. What’s important is the development of a trusted bond.

1. Start by being the mentee

Don’t enter a mentee-mentor relationship with the belief that you know what’s best for the young man. Instead, apply the reverse mentoring principle, where the mentor takes on the role of the mentee; this allows you to see life from his perspective. Learning about young men individually will enable you to build a tailored approach that will resonate more effectively.

• Don’t be fake

The old saying “Do as I say and not as I do” does not apply in the mentee-mentor dynamic. Model what you say and be consistent in doing so. For example, if you speak to a young man on how to build relationships, and he realises that you do not apply the same principles in your life, then you will be seen as fake. Further, when you get something wrong, which you will from time to time, embrace the humility of saying sorry to him. Knowing when to be humble will make you a better mentor.

• Show up

Consistency is crucial. Keep your word and be present when he invites you into his world. If he is playing football, support him; if he is going for a job interview, help him to prepare; if he gets into trouble, visit him in prison – you will see the benefit of this when he is released. Allow him to show up in your world, too. Take him to work one day; invite him to meet your friends; let him see what it looks like to have the right influences around him – and it gives your friends an opportunity to pour into him as well.

• Affirm him

Saying words such as “I am proud of you” may not be a big deal to you personally, but for him it can be momentous because you might be the first male voice that utters those words to him. Don’t wait until he achieves something to recognise his efforts, congratulate him during and at the end of the journey. See beyond the now and help him to conceptualise a future; hold him accountable in his pursuit of a better future; provide constructive critique when necessary; and challenge behaviours that are negative. Affirmation is more than highlighting the positives; it also roots out the negatives.

Mentoring is a wonderful opportunity to be a father figure or role model, and to live out what authentic manhood looks like. The phrase “Like father, like son” means that the son’s qualities or behaviours often resemble those being modelled by the father or father figure. I am calling all men to model an authentic manhood that will empower the next generation.

Rev Dr Garrick Wilson is senior pastor of NTCG Covenant Church in Reading, and founder and leader of a mentoring programme for young men called BUILD. He also works to build future leaders and to improve outcomes for underrepresented communities.